Comparing to others. How to stop?
Whether it’s about money, relationships, career path, possessions, holiday plans, children, homes, looks or weight, we can’t quite resist checking in to see whether someone else has it better than us. These comparisons can activate your loudest inner critic, causing stress and sadness. How do you stop this painful behavior, and what can you do instead?
Sonya Renee Taylor, social justice activist and author of “The Body is Not An Apology” explains how comparing to others was actually a vital skill in the early existence of humankind. To ascertain whether someone was from a different tribe than us (and therefore potentially a threat) we are quickly able to spot differences between us. We can see that someone’s skin is lighter or darker, or that their body is bigger or smaller etc.
Our brains are actually trained to see this, because it used to help us survive. As with many things, our brains haven’t quite caught up with the way we live today, and we are still on the hunt for these differences. Since it’s counterintuitive to see similarities, we need to train our brains to do it instead.
Recognize the temptation to compare? Here are a few exercises that might help you:
Social media without the assumptions.
Kara Loewentheil, feminist coach and host of the “UnF*ck Your Brain” podcast, says “don’t compare the way you feel on the inside to the way someone looks on the outside.”
Rationally I think we all know this about social media. We know that couples don’t take selfies when they are in the middle of a fight. We know that people don’t post their financial losses or getting fired, only how much money they raised or what amazing new job they just started. We know about filters, we’ve seen the Netflix documentary. We know that the endless posting, commenting and scrolling contributes to depression, addiction and insomnia. What I think many of us struggle with, is the emotional repercussions, and most of these come from our assumptions about others.
We don’t actually care that someone has a bigger car, a smaller waist or a higher salary, we assume that those people are happier. If we knew that they were miserable, we might not want to trade. If it’s ultimately about feeling a certain way, what is the real work we need to do?
Connect the comparison to what you really want:
Spend 15 mins or so investigating the kinds of posts or people that affect you the most and be very specific.
Do you recognize any themes?
Write down your assumptions about the people that made those posts.
What do they “have” that you don’t?
How do you think they feel?
How do you know whether that’s true?
What do you want to feel ? Or what do you want to feel more of?
What might be a first step to achieving that?
Accept your choices.
Alain de Botton, my personal favorite modern day philosopher and founder of the School of Life, talks about looking at success using a very realistic lens. He claims that we cannot be successful in everything, and that if we say yes to something, we are inevitably saying no to something else. For example, if you’re extremely successful in business, you might not be extremely successful in your physical health, or you might not win the partner or parent of the year award. On the flip side, perhaps if you’re always home in time for family dinner, you might not make it on the cover of Forbes magazine. Botton urges us to accept the fact that we make choices in life, and each one has its advantages and disadvantages.
Make a fair comparison:
What choices have you made?
What do you say yes to in life, and what do you say no to?
Do you compare yourself to others that have said yes or no to the same things as you? (i.e. is it a fair comparison ?)
Are you comparing because you want to start saying yes or no to other things? If so, what are those?
What could you do to make a change?
See the big picture.
When we compare we look at others in a vacuum, and that limited scope alone can be enough to spiral us into feelings of failure. What if you looked at the big picture? Someone might have raised 10 million for their startup, but how’s their love life ? How’s their health? Are they happy where they live, do they get to travel?
Perhaps your life is different, but what IS going well for you? What are the things in your life that you’re happy about ? Turn the scenario around. What would other people be jealous of when they compare themselves to you ?
Replace inadequacy with gratitude:
Multiple studies have concluded that the benefits of regularly practicing gratitude are better sleep, better physical and psychological health, higher self esteem, less aggression and stronger relationships.
Think about your own life. What would you not trade with anyone ?
What are you most grateful for? Make a list for yourself.
Ideally, write down a few things you are grateful for each day. Choose things that are within your control (rather than things like the weather or a loving partner). Perhaps it’s a particular skill you have, the way you react to certain situations, your resilience, your sense of humor etc.
Whenever you’re in a moment of painful comparison, have a look at that list. Read it as many times as you need to, to remind yourself that being you, might not be so bad after all.
Want to work on this some more? You know where to find me.
About the author:
Noreen Chadha is a transformational coach in the field of leadership and personal development, based out of Berlin. Using the concepts of mindfulness as well as basic neuroscience, she supports clients in their quest to grow and unlock their full potential.
