Battling your inner critic.
We've all been there - we miss a few points in a presentation, we don’t get called back for a job interview, or we forget a friend’s birthday, and immediately that brutal voice shows up. It’s the “you’re a failure” voice, more commonly known as our “inner critic”.
According to Brené Brown’s research, the shame and stress that comes with that voice has serious implications. It prevents you from building authentic connections with people, and going out of your comfort zone. It also raises cortisol levels, which contribute to insomnia, poor digestion, high blood pressure, and a low libido.
Self compassion on the other hand, has a very positive effect: it increases your motivation and efficiency at completing your goals. Researcher and psychologist Kristin Neff, has concluded through her many studies that the kinder we are to ourselves, the better equipped we are to move forward with whatever we want to achieve, whether that is losing weight, quitting smoking, building a business or starting a new relationship.
If it is so beneficial to be kind to ourselves, yet so hard for many of us, where do we start?
The close friend approach.
Studies done by psychologist Ethan Kross conclude that if you speak to yourself using your name, “you” and incorporating some form of loving touch, you will naturally be more gentle. So instead of “I am a failure”, he suggests putting a hand on your own shoulder and saying something along the lines of “Noreen, I believe in you”, to stimulate a kinder point of view.
The trick your brain approach.
Proponents of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) motivate people to minimize their critical voice by giving it a persona, and introducing elements of humor. Thinking of your inner critic as an annoying guy called Bob, who speaks with a thick French accent or a voice like Donald Duck, reduces its power and therefore the effect on your brain.
The mindfulness approach.
Eckhart Tolle, the master of consciousness and living in the moment, encourages us to think of our inner voices as radio stations. When the painful “you’re a failure” voice appears, he recommends simply thinking of it as a radio station on repeat. He claims that the radio station doesn’t need to be muted or turned off, merely acknowledging that it’s an old or unhelpful radio station can benefit us.
The helping others approach.
Simon Sinek, modern day guru on finding your “why” in life, suggests that the best way to help ourselves with any challenge is to help someone who has the same challenge. In this case, helping someone soften their inner critic, will help you soften yours as well.
Having tried all the above methods myself at some point in time, my coaching and my own experience has taught me to start with one simple exercise: getting to know your inner critic. I believe that the first step to making change is understanding exactly what we want to change. So if you’re keen to explore, give this a try:
Get into a mindful state.
Somewhere without distractions where you can be present.
A place that will allow you to approach this exercise with curiosity.
Write down on a piece of paper (the more detail the better):
All the things the voice says to you
How often, and when?
Whose voice might it be if not your own? Is it a parent? A sibling? An ex?
How does the voice affect you?
Whenever you’re ready for this next part (could be a few days later), write down:
What does the voice want?
How has it helped you?
What purpose has it served?
Finally, write down:
What might life be like without this voice?
What would you like to happen?
What would you like to do?
This could give you a starting point as to your next step, whether it’s a more mindful and meditative approach or something more active and linguistic.
Still stuck? You know where to find me.
About the author:
Noreen Chadha is a transformational coach in the field of leadership and personal development, based out of Berlin. Using the concepts of mindfulness as well as basic neuroscience, she supports clients in their quest to grow and unlock their full potential.
