Is the idea of “self care” making us feel worse?
The research by psychologist and cognitive development expert Alison Gopnik points to the idea that “we love because we care”, opposed to “we care because we love”. Looking at neural pathways in our brains, the act of caring for someone produces a strong chemical reaction. This may seem counterintuitive. We care for a baby because we love them right? According to Alison’s research, we love a baby because the act of caring for someone in and of itself is so powerful that it creates love.
If you think about this in the context of “self care”, we could argue that the act of taking care of ourselves is how we ultimately feel more loved, versus the other way around. Caring for ourselves is clearly extremely important, but I might challenge the way we define it.
I often hear statements like “I need to do more self care”, or “I haven’t prioritized enough self care”. The assumption is that we don’t naturally practice it in our day to day, so we have to schedule it in. This in and of itself could be an issue, as we are simply adding an item to our already lengthy to do lists.
When we haven’t taken “care” of ourselves, we often feel guilt, maybe even shame. This increases our stress level, negatively affecting our prefrontal cortex, which drives our decision making and our ability to plan and focus. Basically, not taking care of ourselves doesn’t help us take care of ourselves. Not to mention that the higher stress increases our cortisol levels, which disrupts our sleep, our sex drive and our digestion. (See “Overwhelmed or demotivated? Blame your brain.”)
Thinking of “self care” as an activity like a massage or a yoga class could be nice and helpful in the moment, but the benefits usually aren’t long lasting. How can we create a rhythm of truly taking care of ourselves that is effective as well as sustainable?
The power of touch.
Kara Loewentheil, feminist coach and host of the “UnF*ck Your Brain” podcast, encourages us to look at even the smallest things we do with our bodies. The way we brush our teeth, the way we wash our hair, or apply sun tan lotion, can all be moments to practice caring for ourselves. She recommends treating your own body with respect and a gentle touch, the way we would a loved one. This kind of approach would mean that every day there are millions of opportunities for this kind of “care” that don’t require scheduling.
Being versus doing.
Caring for yourself doesn’t have to revolve around activities, or “doing” something. What if we looked at it more as an attitude, a state of “being” in this world? What are the values and the beliefs required to be someone who cares for themselves? How would you start your day and what would you focus on?
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, encourages us to think of habits as being a never ending part of our identity. In this case that might mean regularly asking “How would a person who cares for themselves show up in this situation?”.
Saying no.
Caring for ourselves could also be defined by the things we say no to. What are we purposefully NOT doing? What are all the things you ideally want to say no to? (I understand that we cannot get out of all our commitments), but are there things in your life you could limit, shorten or cancel altogether?
Presence.
It’s easier to take care of yourself if you know what your current state of mind is, but we often don’t give ourselves enough time or space to do so. Brené Brown covers this in detail in her latest book “Atlas of the Heart”, where she goes through every possible emotion and experience in detail, to give people the language and the tools to learn what they are really feeling. The more present we are, the more information we have to figure out what we might need to feel good. Spending a few minutes a day doing a mindfulness meditation, or simply checking in with ourselves, could already be enough to figure out what “self care” could look like on that particular day. (See “5 ways in which Mindfulness could help you at work".)
A challenge I see is that by talking about times of “self care”, we inadvertently create a separation between times when we care about ourselves and times that we don’t. I would be curious to know: Are there times when we don’t take care of ourselves? And if we don’t, what gets in the way? Another question to ask yourself might be: how do I take care of others? A loved one, a child a pet? And how does it compare?
Want to dive a little deeper into this? You know where to find me!
About the author:
Noreen Chadha is a transformational coach in the field of leadership and personal development, based out of Berlin. Using the concepts of mindfulness as well as basic neuroscience, she supports clients in their quest to grow and unlock their full potential.
