Leadership and Parenting… what’s the connection?
Over the years of leading teams and coaching people in leadership positions, a variety of themes have come up such as: culture and values, growth mindset, the balance between autonomy and top down decision making, effective communication styles, stress management and psychological safety. Now that I am also a mother of two, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the many parallels between leadership and parenthood.
Here are some self coaching exercises to help you explore 3 main common themes: polarities, control, and ego.
We want to avoid being “helicopters” or “micromanagers” but might not feel comfortable completely letting go of the reins. We want to be present and available, but not to the detriment of our own sanity. We want to answer an important email (even when it’s a Saturday evening), and we want to comfort our non sleeping toddler (even if it’s at 3am), but we don’t want to find ourselves realizing that it’s been 6 months since we’ve been to the gym or had a date with our partner.
We want to foster autonomy, but we know that sometimes we just need to make a top down decision. The interesting thing about polarities is that we might not feel it right away when we have tipped too far to one side. We get lost in our day to day routines and we lose the connection with our own scale.
Balancing your Polarities
I invite you to write down:
All your polarities.
When are they in balance?
What are the signs that they are out of balance?
Once you have them mapped out clearly for yourself, it will help you check in, re-evaluate and adjust your behavior when needed.
Remember the first weeks of a new leadership role when we are beyond excited about what we are planning on achieving? New ideas, new projects, expanding the team, a change in culture, aggressive timelines etc. It never quite works out the way we had envisioned it right? Unforeseen challenges get in the way, things we couldn’t have planned for, and often things take much longer than we anticipated.
Ultimately we discover that we don’t have as much power as we thought we did. Similarly in parenting, the “hierarchy” messes us up. Because we are older and more experienced in life, we think we have control over these tiny little humans. Yet reality swoops in quite soon, and we find ourselves facing a mountain of uncertainty.
Levels of Influence
I invite you to write down:
All the things that you have 0% control over (like the weather).
All the things that you have 100% control over (like what you eat for breakfast).
All the things you are striving for that you might have some influence over, but not full control (like someone else’s decision making).
Perhaps you can even write next to each thing, what percentage control you think you have. It’s a humbling exercise, as well as an opportunity to focus on the things that really are in your control, and to let go of the things that are not.
When someone compliments our children we automatically feel a sense of pride don’t we? At the same time when our child is the loud one throwing sand at the other kids on the playground, we might feel a little sting. When someone younger or with less experience gets promoted before we do, it shows up. When you write “CEO” next to your name on LinkedIn, it’s there too. Yes, our ego.
The most comprehensive way the ego has ever been described to me was by Dr Shefali Tsabary. She explains that our ego masks (the many different parts of us that can show up in various scenarios in our lives) come from fear. They show up as a soldier to protect us, but despite having “good intentions”, they are most often unproductive and at times even destructive in our interactions, or detrimental to our decision making. (Also check out the workshop “Keeping Cool Under Pressure”).
“There is only fear, at the bottom of every reaction. Even under arrogance. Even under hubris. Even under pride…Fear of not being liked, fear of not being accepted, fear of not fitting in, fear of losing control.” - Dr. Shefali Tsabary
How does this knowledge help us at work, at home? Like most things, awareness is the first step. When we are showing up with an ego mask on, we are most likely operating from a part of our nervous system (sympathetic) where we are not showing up with the most compassionate energy, with the most creativity, with the best social skills, or with the most rational thought. The sooner we can catch ourselves, the sooner we can switch back to our (parasympathetic) nervous system, in which our ability to connect and respond and decide increases. (Also see “5 ways in which Mindfulness can help you at work”).
Notice your Ego Masks
I invite you to notice (ideally write down) for yourself:
Whenever you think an ego mask has come into play.
Even just saying to yourself “ego!” is helpful in your day to day.
Without judgement, just being aware of when, how, where, with who, and in what scenarios you can sense your ego coming out, will help you discern when you’re showing up as fully authentic, and when you might not be.
The beauty of tying leadership to parenthood is that many of us are both, many of the required skills and challenges overlap, and so do many of the tools that you can learn. What are some of your most effective rituals? Ways of resolving interpersonal issues? Tools for feedback conversations? Tricks that help you focus? (Also check out the workshop “Neuroscience 101”).
When you experience conflict at home, you might recognize similar patterns at work, and vice versa. I invite you to think about the overlaps, and how you might be able to help yourself. And by doing so, your team and your family.
About the author:
Noreen Chadha is a transformational coach in the field of leadership and personal development, based out of Berlin. Using the concepts of mindfulness as well as basic neuroscience, she supports clients in their quest to grow and unlock their full potential.
